OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
