I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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