her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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