I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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