i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you didnt know i had herpes?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
