I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
