I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
