Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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