If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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