why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
