he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
