i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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