And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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