I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
