Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
