no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dear god my vagina.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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