i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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