well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
