just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
