you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
