I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
