I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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