So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
