My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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