I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think people are normalizing furries
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
