glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
