I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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