So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
