Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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