I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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