Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
