also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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