At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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