I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
