I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
