dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
