Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
