i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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