I seem to have left my pride at pride
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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