I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
