Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
