I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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