I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
