You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
