you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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