only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
