sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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