I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
