I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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