Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Randomize
