Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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